Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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