I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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