Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
