I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
