So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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