I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
