just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
