i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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