Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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