tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
