U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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