Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
