My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
