I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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