Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
