It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
