he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
