I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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