if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
