i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
