Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
