I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
