yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
