i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
