If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
