How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You took a bar mat shot.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
