youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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