this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
