True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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