Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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