Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
