Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
