my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
