you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
