So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
