Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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