where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
