If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
