hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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