I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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