I could make wine with my vomit
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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