I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
