so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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