Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
