mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
