he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You made out with two different species that night
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
