Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
