Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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