someone threw a dead crab at me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
