Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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