I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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