apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
