There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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