He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
