He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
