i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
